


i'm inviting people to celebrate my rebirth, but they're telling me it's a wake

by depressedgayartist



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Family Issues, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Jewish Character, Teen Years, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Newton Geiszler, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:16:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29727519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/depressedgayartist/pseuds/depressedgayartist
Summary: "Why did you make me like this?," a tiny whisper left his mouth. A shiver went through his body, because he had repeated those words inside his mind a million times before but saying them out loud now, as to make sure that G-d would hear, felt different.Newt screams at G-d for making him born as a trans boy in an unsupportive family.
Kudos: 3





	i'm inviting people to celebrate my rebirth, but they're telling me it's a wake

**Author's Note:**

> bitches be out there having depressive gender dysphoria episodes and writing fanfiction projecting into their comfort characters instead of going to therapy  
> yeah, you guessed. i'm bitches.

Newt had made it into the field. It was still dark, the sun wouldn't rise for at least another half an hour. He was wearing an oversized sweater and his arms were tight around his body, as if he were giving himself a hug but it was mostly an attempt to hold on - an attempt to keep him from breaking down because of what he insisted on hiding under that sweater.

Part of him was still hesitant, though. He had made it into the field. But now that he was finally there, all the courage he had gathered over his way there seemed to have dissipated. He no longer felt confident to cry and scream on the top of his lungs, on this place where he knew no one would hear. However, he still wanted to.

"Why did you make me like this?," a tiny whisper left his mouth. A shiver went through his body, because he had repeated those words inside his mind a million times before but saying them out loud now, as to make sure that G-d would hear,  _ felt  _ different. 

He carried on, "Why… why did you put me in this body? I feel…  _ trapped _ . I can't change it before I turn 18 and nobody respects the real me just because my body is the way it is"

The wind was blowing through the trees and the grass. It was sort of chilly, given it was the beginning of Autumn. Newt didn't know if the cold made him uneasy or comfortable.

"You know, my stepmother was talking the other day about this celebrity who has been out as trans for  _ years  _ now. And she kept referring to the guy as 'she'! 'She this', 'she that'... I wanted to scream. I wanted a hole to suddenly appear under my feet and suck me to the center of the Earth," he sighed, "I mean, I don't really know how to expect them to respect my identity when ignorance is their first reaction to any trans person"

The first rays of sunshine shyly started to emerge on the horizon.

He scoffed, "And to think that earlier on the same day she asked me if I wanted her and the rest of the family to start calling me 'Newt'... as if they would actually make the effort and not just whine about  _ how hard it is for them _ "

He looked up at the sky, hoping G-d was really there. Listening, at least.

"But what about how hard it is for  _ me? _ Nobody ever asks me that, nobody wants to know, really…  _ Nobody  _ ever asks me how it is like to wake up and not see myself in the mirror," he noticed his eyes watering, "How it is to look at your own reflection and see a complete  _ stranger, _ " he tried to pull back the tears but it was too late, he had started crying, "When will I look like  _ me?  _ When will I sound like  _ me?  _ When… WHEN WILL I NOT FEEL LIKE SHIT INSIDE MY OWN BODY?!"

Oh, a scream. It felt good, he couldn't stop now.

"WHEN WILL PEOPLE RESPECT ME AS MAN? WHEN WILL THEY CALL ME BY MY NAME AND PRONOUNS? WHEN WILL MY PARENTS FINALLY ACCEPT THAT THEY HAVE A  _ SON?..." _

His throat started to get sore. But there was still enough strength for one last whisper. With tears rolling down his face, he said, " _ When will I feel at home in my own body…? _ "

No answer. G-d was probably too busy for his trans children.

Newt was disappointed but not surprised. He wiped out the tears still left on his face and started to leave the field. But, as soon as he did, a current of fresh air blew through him, staying for a moment and playfully twirling around his short hair. It could be nothing but it felt like a sign. Maybe G-d wasn't too busy, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> hey, hope you liked it! if you saw any mistakes, please let me know! english isn't my native language.
> 
> oh and the title comes from here: https://pin.it/zk5Dn99


End file.
